Living Terrified, Walking with Courage

Living Terrified, Walking with Courage

I recently turned 60 – a milestone birthday.

When my daughter asked what I wanted, I told her the truth: I wanted a surprise party. More than anything, I wanted to be celebrated.

The past 12 years have been a journey of getting sober, staying sober, getting divorced, moving several times, and rebuilding from the bottom up. I wanted to gather with my kids and the women who supported, encouraged, loved, and lifted me up through it all. I also asked my daughter to ask my five siblings to send birthday videos. 

My daughter, Emily, who was very pregnant with my first grandchild, did the heavy lifting planning my party. She went above and beyond to make the day special for me. All three of my kids did an amazing job. 

The party was better than I could have imagined. The biggest surprise was my high school friend Lisa coming all the way from California to Virginia to celebrate with me. I was blown away.

That day, I truly felt loved and celebrated – a feeling that has been largely foreign to me throughout my life. 

That evening, my daughter sent me the video from my oldest brother, Jim. It was heartfelt. He spoke about how proud he was of me when I was commissioned as a second lieutenant in the Army. He teared up a little, which made me tear up too. 

My son sent me the only other video message, from the sister closest in age to me. I tried it several times, but it wouldn’t load. Finally, I was able to open it and with my air pods in I listened closely. 

My sister shared her memories of me: how she had been the youngest until I came along; how when we shared a bed, I used to wet in it, and she would crawl into our other sister’s bed; how our sister would make her go get our parents so they could change the sheets. She told it in detail. 

Another memory was of the time I failed a test to get into kindergarten, and I had to go to a different school. She said, “You suddenly got shy.”

I remember that memory vividly, but my memory is quite different. I remember feeling terrified. 

Watching the video brought up shame. It also brought a realization; I have been living my life terrified. 

I am not shy. I am terrified – of everything. And at the same time, I have courage. I have lived terrified and still walked forward with courage. 

I show up. I keep my commitments. I love big. I build connections. But deep down, I am terrified that it is not enough. That I am not enough. That you will leave me too. That I should be doing better. That you will not remember me. That I am an afterthought.

So, out of fear, I over-function and abandon myself in order to preserve connection. I remember your birthday, your anniversary, the small thing you mentioned in passing – and I follow up. I reach out, and reach out, and reach out. 

I want to make you feel seen and heard. But in all that over-functioning, I am the one left unseen and unheard. Unmet. And that leaves me feeling more alone and unsteady. Terrified.

But turning 60, being celebrated by my children and my friends, and watching those videos stirred something in me. It reminded me that two things can be true at the same time: I can be terrified and I can be brave. 

Maybe this next decade is not about proving I am enough. Perhaps it is about believing that I am enough. Maybe it’s about letting myself be loved without having to earn it, remembered without chasing it, and celebrated without apologizing for it. 

What do you want to believe about yourself in the next decade, even in the next week? I would love to hear from you so please drop me a comment.