The Lens of Shame

I grew up drowning in fear, shame, and rejection. That’s all I knew. I viewed everything through the lens of shame. Even when nobody was shaming me, I did it for them. It was automatic because that’s just how my mind worked. 

Shame wasn’t something I just felt. I wore it. Like a fine garment. Moving through life I added accessories to the shame…. fear, bitterness, jealousy, envy, rejection upon rejection, self-hate, cynicism. Eventually it turned into anger.  Not just a little anger, but something hot and constant, just below the surface. Alcohol was added to fuel the flames until it became a simmering rage at the world that could erupt at the slightest provocation such as a comment, a look, or dirty dishes left in the sink at the end of the day. 

Living this way took a toll. I was mentally, emotionally, physically exhausted. There was a gaping emptiness that couldn’t be filled.   

But God…